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+--- Forum: JFK Assassination (https://deeppoliticsforum.com/fora/forum-3.html)
+--- Thread: **OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION ** (NOT a satire!) (/thread-11935.html)
**OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION ** (NOT a satire!) - Jim Hargrove - 28-12-2013
GOVERNMENT PRINTING OFFICE -- OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION OF THE
ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY: NOVEMBER 22, 1963.
(v. 013.012.27.6231456)
President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas, on November 22, 1963 by
Lee Harvey Oswald, an ex-U.S. Marine Communist who lived simultaneously in the Soviet Union
and the United States from 1959 to 1962. Oswald was NOT a U.S. agent! He was born in New
Orleans and in Eastern Europe and possibly elsewhere on October 18 or 19, 1939, and at several
other times. He had a disturbed youth, principally because his mother often forgot the name of
his father as well as the various days her disturbed child was born. Adding to his confusion
were frequent changes in his mother's height, from 5'1" to 5'7" and back again. Oswald
simultaneously attended Beauregard Junior High School in New Orleans and Public School #44
in New York City during the fall of 1953.
Oswald was given the intensive training usually afforded young Communists by the U.S.
Marine Corps, performing such vigorous tasks as simultaneously attending Radar School in
Biloxi, Mississippi and Aviation Electronics School in Memphis, Tennessee.
Oswald, who was NOT a U.S. agent, fired three shots from a Mannlicher- Carcano rifle
from a "sniper's nest" near the Coke machine in the second floor lunch room of the Texas School
Book Depository in Dallas. A window overlooking Elm St was immediately removed by a group
of maladjusted writers known as the "TSBD Window Critics." These critics were unable to accept
the fact that an insignificant loner could assassinate the leader of the Free World.
One of Oswald's three shots entered the President's head near the bottom, and also four
inches higher, and exited above the right ear, which was near the front of President Kennedy's
head. (For technical details, see 'All the President's Ears" by Seymour Hersh.)
A second shot entered the base of the President's neck, and also several inches lower in his
back, exited an entrance wound in his throat, struck Governor Connally's back, broke a rib bone,
exited his chest, broke two bones in his right wrist, became embedded in thigh bone, and finally
fell out onto the gurney of a little boy in Parkland Memorial Hospital. The bullet was
ENORMOUSLY slightly DAMAGED! And it was ENORMOUSLY slightly FLATTENED, even in the Warren
Commission version!
A third bullet missed entirely, striking a tree limb which separated the jacket from the lead
core, and the core traveled on to strike pavement near James Tague, a motorcade bystander who
was slightly wounded by concrete splatter. (We really are a little uneasy with this explanation, but
we're trying to boost flagging interest in Gerald Posner.)
Another third bullet hit the turf along the south side of Elm St near a manhole cover.
A third third bullet hit the pavement on Elm Street just to the right and behind the
Presidential limousine near the Book Depository.
A fourth third bullet grew in size and then evaporated while in FBI evidence envelope
89-43-1A-122. (For technical details, see "Growth and evaporation of full metal jacketed bullets in
Southern U.S. climates" by Luis Alvarez and also "Urinary Tricks and Evidence Envelopes" by
Dr. John Lattimer.) Americans with paranoid tendencies are cautioned to "trust the experts" on this
one!
Although the physical evidence connecting Oswald with the assassination kind of sucks,
consider this: Oswald immediately fled the scene by taking a bus going toward the scene of the
crime, got off and then rushed to the bus depot where he tried to give away his getaway cab to the
first lady who asked, proof positive that he was deranged enough to have committed the Crime of
the Century. Critics who think otherwise obviously cannot accept the well-known fact that even
petty "losers" can assassinate VIPs.
At 1:16 PM, Oswald shot Dallas policeman J.D. Tippit, dropped his wallet, and then
rushed the eight blocks to the Texas Theatre, and we mean RUSHED, where he bought popcorn
minutes before killing Tippit and then entered the building without paying 20 minutes later.
Aware that murderers are known to draw attention to themselves by entering theaters without first
purchasing tickets, at least 15 Dallas police officers rushed to the Texas Theatre, where they
arrested Oswald on the balcony and on the main floor.
Oswald, who was NOT a U.S. agent, was interrogated for hours at Dallas Police
Headquarters, but recording equipment from the "Recording Room" was already being used to
document a pre-confession practice session for Jean "Public Enemy #1" Hill.
Surrounded by Dallas policemen, Oswald, who was NOT a U.S. agent, was shot and
killed at 11:20 AM on November 24 by Jack Ruby (Jacob Rubenstein), who formerly ran guns to Cuba
totally unnoticed by the CIA or any branch of the U.S. Military.
This Final Version of the GPO report on the assassination of JFK supersedes all other Final Versions
and future amendments are hereby incorporated into this Final Version. (Oswald was NOT a U.S. agent!!)
ADDENDUM:
OFFICIAL GPO CORRECTION: THE**OFFICIAL**FINAL VERSION
OF THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY
IMPORTANT CORRECTION:
Due to a harmless printing error, several of the third shots taken by non-U.S. agent Lee
Harvey Oswald were mislabeled in the previous FINAL VERSION of this report. For
clarification, here is the correct sequence of third shots:
The shot that wounded Tague was the FIRST third bullet.
The bullet that hit the grass along the south side of Elm St. near the manhole cover was the
SECOND third bullet.
The bullet that hit the pavement on Elm Street just to the right and behind the Presidential
limousine as it passed the Book Depository was the THIRD third bullet.
The bullet that grew in and then evaporated from FBI evidence envelope 89-43-1A-122 was
the FOURTH third bullet.
This case is now OFFICIALLY CLOSED! Anyone who thinks otherwise is obviously mentally ill,
unable to comprehend that even insignificant loners can assassinate important people! Sheesh!
# # # #
**OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION ** (NOT a satire!) - Dawn Meredith - 28-12-2013
Rush me to the nearest mental ward.
I have apparently been officially insane for now 50 years and 36 days.
Maybe electro shock will fix me.
Where is the good Dr Jolly West when you need him?
:
heep::. Dawn
**OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION ** (NOT a satire!) - Albert Doyle - 28-12-2013
Dawn Meredith Wrote:Rush me to the nearest mental ward.
I have apparently been officially insane for now 50 years and 36 days.
Maybe electro shock will fix me.
Where is the good Dr Jolly West when you need him?
:
Dawn
We have an opening at the high anxiety ward of Eastern Louisiana State Hospital, Jackson, Louisiana run by Dr Oschner.
**OFFICIAL FINAL VERSION ** (NOT a satire!) - Marc Ellis - 28-12-2013
Albert Doyle Wrote:Dawn Meredith Wrote:Rush me to the nearest mental ward.
I have apparently been officially insane for now 50 years and 36 days.
Maybe electro shock will fix me.
Where is the good Dr Jolly West when you need him?
:
Dawn
We have an opening at the high anxiety ward of Eastern Louisiana State Hospital, Jackson, Louisiana run by Dr Oschner.
Might as well register to vote when you check in.