Quote:South African police have launched a nationwide man-hunt for a puce-faced, beer-bellied Englishman, who, after storming off the pitch following the nil-nil draw with Algeria, denounced England’s supporters live on prime-time television, before marching straight into the players’ changing rooms where he threatened the heir to the throne with what appeared to be a weaponized vuvuzela.

“He was wearing a replica shirt and swore a great deal,” explained police commissioner Sithole. “He approached Prince Becks of Leytonstone,” he went on, “in an aggressive manner, demanding better service, preferably from a 48 year-old grandmother, together with the name and address of an elderly, bespectacled Italian, who appeared to have upset him in some unspecified way. He was obviously very tired and emotional.”

Police later reported that one Wayne Rooney, who initially gave his name as Judas Iscariot, had been released after questioning. "We are satisfied Mr Rooney was the victim of a malicious tip-off," a spokesman for Mr Sithole stated, "as Mr Rooney was plainly not on the pitch at any time during the match with Algeria."