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+--- Thread: The New Ford Carbuncle (/thread-5328.html)
The New Ford Carbuncle - David Guyatt - 09-01-2011
Dear Sir Herbet Tooth,
Thank you for enquiring about the new Ford Carbuncle.
This is the exciting new extra economy model vehicle that is next down on the price list from a Ford Ka, which itself is next down on the price list from a Ford motor-car.
The Carbuncle has many merits. Amongst these are its inherent static design. Ergonomically, the unmoving parts ensure maximum comfort and a driving free boost to Sunday afternoons. The boot (or "trunk" as Americans like to call it) is packed with extras, including a "jolly" brand spirit stove, a small alloy whistling kettle, a number of brightly coloured plastic picnic cups and four fold away fishing chairs.
The fuel consumption is also the lowest in western vehicular transport, excepting the horse and trap and/or bicycle.
Depending on price paid, there are two gearbox options. The static unmoving gearbox is especially suitable for those having a degree of rheumatism, and the automatic gearbox suits all non-drivers everywhere.
The Carbuncle comes in a small variety of colours other than its traditional garnet, which include metallic "pus cream".
There is a nominal flagellation suite at a small extra cost designed for lapsed catholics, that is made entirely from flannelette.
Sincerely,
Edward Angus Peter Twibble
Private parts assistant to the Sales Manager
Cars-R-Us
A proud member of the Noble Digger Group of companies.
The New Ford Carbuncle - Paul Rigby - 09-01-2011
David Guyatt Wrote:Dear Sir Herbet Tooth,
There is a nominal flagellation suite at a small extra cost designed for lapsed catholics, that is made entirely from flannelette.
Sincerely,
Edward Angus Peter Twibble
Private parts assistant to the Sales Manager
Cars-R-Us
A proud member of the Noble Digger Group of companies.
Twibble,
I have conveyed the above inside-dope to Gamp, who assures me that while he is very interested, he is most definitely not lapsed, whatever Desmond Dekker's porno daily reports to the contrary. (See Saturday's court report, p27, just beneath the extraordinary 3D advert for The Best of Asian Babes DVD. If you need the specs, I have a spare pair.)
"Flannelette," by the way, is "in" according to the blessed Monsieur, who keeps abreast of these things courtesy of his electronic tablet, and the Alexander McQueen Tribute website. (Best avoided, by the by: Full of women with moustaches in leather.)
Gamp needs wheels for a variety of pastoral purposes, chief among them his ministry to the fallen body builders of Bristol. Is there no end to this man's supererogatory labours, I wonder? There certainly isn't to his supply of steroids.
Bottoms up,
Tooth
PS If you're wandering through the Northern Wastelands next week in search of a fleet buyer with more money than sense, pop over to Oldham on Tuesday. Central Office have ordered me to drone to the local savages on the subject of the Big Society or some similar tosh. Real purpose quite different, naturellement. More when I've finished this carafe, quite probably on Wednesday.
The New Ford Carbuncle - David Guyatt - 09-01-2011
Paul Rigby Wrote:"Flannelette," by the way, is "in" according to the blessed Monsieur, who keeps abreast of these things courtesy of his electronic tablet, and the Alexander McQueen Tribute website. (Best avoided, by the by: Full of women with moustaches in leather.)
Dear Tooth,
A breast? Just the one?
Kinky.
Yes, bottoms up,
Twibble
The New Ford Carbuncle - David Guyatt - 09-01-2011
Announcing the exciting new hands-free Mastubatory!
Made entirely from the bark of the Australian non-chaffing tree, this exciting new gadget oozes with features and often comes in a walnut trim carrying case.
for the non full Brazilian cut types, it offers a perm, trim and pat feature.
* An elongated "girth" model is available by special order.
rechargeable battery or mains powered in three speeds - kneading, fast and very, very, very fast.
Available in traditional garnet and plain ol' creamed colour.
For a small extra fee, the Mastubatory comes with its own rubber catsuit, hood and in-built periwinkle.
Available from sole agents
Joys-R-Us
A proud member of the Global Goble Digger Droup of companies
The New Ford Carbuncle - Paul Rigby - 10-01-2011
David Guyatt Wrote:Announcing the exciting new hands-free Mastubatory!
Made entirely from the bark of the Australian non-chaffing tree, this exciting new gadget oozes with features and often comes in a walnut trim carrying case.
Known in the trade as a Murdoch. Or in the UK, as a Coulson.
David Guyatt Wrote:* An elongated "girth" model is available by special order.
rechargeable battery or mains powered in three speeds - kneading, fast and very, very, very fast.
Available in traditional garnet and plain ol' creamed colour.
For a small extra fee, the Mastubatory comes with its own rubber catsuit, hood and in-built periwinkle.
Gamp's been on the blower, and wants three, hang the expense. He's pulled a few strokes with the resident Oldham Romanist, and wants to distribute a bit of largesse in return for the planned turn-out of Tesco's Polska night-shift early on Tuesday morning. I'm told I should recognise them by the array of Lidl bags. Can't wait. I hate by-elections more than I can adequately convey.
David Guyatt Wrote:Available from sole agents
Joys-R-Us
A proud member of the Global Goble Digger Droup of companies
A semi-Naughtie.
Tooth
The New Ford Carbuncle - David Guyatt - 10-01-2011
Paul Rigby Wrote:David Guyatt Wrote:* An elongated "girth" model is available by special order.
rechargeable battery or mains powered in three speeds - kneading, fast and very, very, very fast.
Available in traditional garnet and plain ol' creamed colour.
For a small extra fee, the Mastubatory comes with its own rubber catsuit, hood and in-built periwinkle.
Gamp's been on the blower, and wants three, hang the expense. He's pulled a few strokes with the resident Oldham Romanist, and wants to distribute a bit of largesse in return for the planned turn-out of Tesco's Polska night-shift early on Tuesday morning. I'm told I should recognise them by the array of Lidl bags. Can't wait. I hate by-elections more than I can adequately convey.
Three it shall be then. Shall I mail them in the usual brown paper parcel to the convent, or is there another monastic locality that now needs re-invigorating?
By the by, we have decided to send you a free sample of our new "Shrimp". I'll not go into detail now because I want it to come as a surprise. At least, that's what I think I said. Anyway, it takes a fair bit of mains power, so if you are still running the marijuana farm in your rectory (we have ample cheap supplies of black plastic bags if required?), you probably need to enjoy it elsewhere.
Chin-chin,
Twibble
Joys-R-Us
The New Ford Carbuncle - Magda Hassan - 10-01-2011
I think it will come as a surprise :joystick::pope:
heep:
The New Ford Carbuncle - Charles Drago - 10-01-2011
David Guyatt Wrote:Announcing the exciting new hands-free Mastubatory!
Made entirely from the bark of the Australian non-chaffing tree, this exciting new gadget often comes in a walnut trim carrying case.
So do I.
The New Ford Carbuncle - David Guyatt - 10-01-2011
The Australian "non-chaffing tree" refers not to that which I think you think it does, but rather to the diminutive red and blue shafted, warbling "chaffer" which never builds nests in that particular arboreal specimen. Of the genus Acrocephalus palustris, the male likes to sing from the stem.
As do I. Baa.
heep:Sorry for any confusion caused.
Twibble