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Paul Rigby

I am Sir Herbert Tooth and I have tonight been sacked by Sky TV

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In an outrage unparalled since the last one perpetrated by the Dirty Digger, I was this evening relieved of all further expert summariser duties on Sky Cotswold's Live Premiership Action after I was branded a sexist oaf by a deranged lesbian newscaster with a humour-deficiency and outsized thighs.

These are the facts as I have established them to the complete satisfaction of Lady Tooth, though not necessarily to that of her brother, Wing Commander "Mad" Hugh Effingham, who remains armed, at liberty, and a thorough-going psychopath.

Introduced to me in Strobe-on-the-Wold's Blue Bore as Lola Caprice by legendary agent Stavros Cashback, how was I to know "she" was in fact legendary Met undercover man Andy Keys? Or that "her" bulging bra contained recording equipment? Or that "she" lead a treble-life, as leading News of the Screws reported Ralph Widnes?

Knocking-up hairy armpitted Greenies is one thing: Setting up a perfectly respectable Sky regional summariser is something else. Make no mistake, this is a game of two halves, and I have the whistle firmly in my grasp.

For those millions determined not to miss my perceptive ruminations on the the Gunners versus the Tractor Boys Carling Cup second leg, I shall be supplying an unoffical voice-over to the Tawainese cable TV broadcast, available on My2P2 from 0300hrs to the nail-biting conclusion.

Good Lord, is it really 3-0 already?
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  1. Peter Presland's Avatar
    It's high time the PR (Paul Rigby that is) brand of current affairs satire found a proper home because I for one would rather like to see more of it. It tends to gets lost amid all that discussion hurly burly, so an easily linkable repository makes sense - even though our US cousins are unlikely to make much sense of this one - or others in similar vein for that matter.

    Nevertheless, a good use use for a DPF blog methinks

    More please.
  2. David Guyatt's Avatar
    Dear Tooth,

    Do you believe in fairies?

    Deranged lesbians with outsized thighs? Bulging bras? Wishful thinking old lad. You’ve been reading “Slag’s Abound” again haven’t you. Strange that. I thought it had been taken off the shelves after the last police raid. Perhaps they are handling distribution now to bolster their Plc status.

    It saves taking back-handers I suppose. Not that that stops Rozzerkind from handing them out though. “Satiated but still flogging it” being the undercover force motto.

    But I much enjoyed your commentary as the Gunners romped to victory against the Tractor types at the Stadium of Sheer Magic last evening.

    Your Turkish language broadcast, though a little excitable for my slow digestion and even slower aided hearing technology - was thoroughly enjoyable. Those Taiwanese eh, little blighters, always looking for something new. And Turkish it was last night. And French too. Not to mention Greek.

    Yours in satisfaction