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Paul Rigby

It was a hard day's night

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I am reliably informed by Cashback's secretary and the Waugh sisters that a number of listeners tweeted complaints last night to the effect that live Tawainese coverage of the Arse's entirely fortuitous victory concluded with what appeared to be the sound of a shotgun blast demolishing a window in the Blue Bore public house; soon to be followed by what appeared to be the shrieks of a terrified elderly summariser claiming benefit of clergy before a masked assassin called "Mad" Hugh.

I have no idea what these tweeting lunatics are on or about, for the acoustics of the Blue Bore snug have been known to play tricks, particularly at the cry of "Last Orders!"

Nevertheless, and unrelatedly, I would like to take this opportunity to appeal to all those of A rhesus positive blood grouping within driving distance to attend Strobe-on-the-Wold A&E as a matter of some urgency.

I am in the last cubicle on the left of ward 6a, pellet-ridden buttocks aloft, and a uniformed police guard at bedside. Biffy Spalding and the Waugh sisters patrol the hospital exit, from whence I am to be smuggled to a BUPA rest home of choice at some point in the early hours.

Cashback has fed the reptiles a line: I was mistaken by a poacher for red deer. It impressed the Torygrapher. It may not entirely satisfy the Essex boys despatched by Central Office and the Chief Whip to investigate the lesbian's shopping list of inventions.

Now, where in God's name has that cardboard receptacle got to?
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  1. David Guyatt's Avatar


    Hosni Sadat Blair Ibn Obama

    “If I go now there will be chaos”

    President Hosni Anwar Blair Ibn Obama, riding his camel in “Lawrence” style along Pennsylvania Avenue, told reporters that if he were to bow to pressure from bilious citizens in Egypt, and leave office, galactic chaos would result.

    After years of public office, he said “I am fed up. I’ve nearly accrued enough. I want to go”.

    Speaking at a heavily guarded camel park and burger fair, the eccentric Libyan leader said he must resist calls to leave on this, the “day of departure”, until he receives word from his Swiss bankers that he can depart following an orderly transfer.

    “Well, several transfers actually”, the Jordanian king sighed with a catlike grin.

    Obama blamed the Republican Brotherhood for the violence that has erupted. “I had nothing to do with it. I was in my counting house, counting up my money”.

    The president’s comments came on a day when his hand-picked vice president Ben Ali Biden returned from a fact finding visit to Liberation House in New Orleans. Asked about his visit, VP Ben Biden said “very satisfying”.

    “What is needed now” Ben Biden said, “is an orderly transition to power”.

    Asked if Egypt and other mid-east nations had betrayed him, president Hosni Ibn Obama wavered. “Right now I care about my assets in Switzerland and elsewhere”.