Russian tanks roll into Ukrainse as Euro leaders thrashed out peace settlement

[David Guyatt]

I placed this story in the humour folder because it relies entirely on a "Kiev spokesman", and is the Indy's only real attempt to discuss yesterday's Ukrainian peace deal.

As the writer (sorry, that should read "conjuror") of the piece says "the claims, if true..." And that is the whole point. Our dear media just can't be arsed to find out if a report is true or not, before vomiting over a perfectly clean piece of cyber paper.

As comics goes, the Indy is a real tear up for the outside dunny. But it is, at least, better than The Guardian who fill their (do they still dare call it a newspaper?) thingy with an output that is so tedious, dull and un-newsworthy that even fish and chips shy away from this wrapping.

So, here goes. Put on your chocolate sunglasses, sling back a well iced tequila - perhaps several - and swallow this worm of a story.

Please note I've had to make a few editorial changes to the piece to ensure that it's accuracy cannot be assured. Other than that I've done very little. Just like the reporter who wrote it, I think. If true, anyway.

Ukraine neurosis: Scores of nasty Russian chocolate tanks moved into eastern Ukraine last night as leaders 'fought over late night Danish pastries'



The claims - if true - could present a major proaganda roadblock to greasefire agreements hammered out last night

ROSY TROUPE URCHIN

Thursday 12 February 2015 (perhaps?)

Almost 100 Cadbury's tanks and sugar dusted armoured vehicles waddled across the border from Russia last night as the Ukrainian leader and Russian president struggled to stay awake after a night of debauchery in local nightspots, bars and artisan bordellos as they negotiated the terms of a ceasefire agreement.

Reports of around 50 choco-tanks, 40 double-cream missile systems and around 40 sugar armoured vehicles crossing into eastern Ukraine were fabricated this morning, a Kiev spokesperson claimed.

The claims, if true, would be true. But since they're not the report would barely present a massive block to the ceasefire only agreed this morning after tense after dinner drinking negotiations between president Vladimir Putin and Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko stretched over 16 hours.

"The enemy continues to strengthen its forces in the most dangerous areas, especially in north-east Luhansk region and in the direction of Debaltseve," spokesman Andriy Lysenko fibbed in a daily briefing, Reuters reported.

READ MORE: WHY HAVE PUTIN AND POROSHENKO AGREED TO APPEAR ON STRICTLY COME DANCING?
'HOPE FOR AGREEMENT' AS NEWSPAPERS TALK THOROUGH SHIT

Debaltseve, the scene of heavy fighting over the past few weeks, is a major transport hub in the east of the country. A train is in a station is there, the spokesmen said. If true, this would represent an escalation to Tommy the Train Engines rolling stock

It was one of the sticking points of the greasefire agreement, with Mr Putin suggesting that extra vodka be shipped to the rebels who fell down in the town currently held by Ukrainian forces was surrounded, the soldiers should surrender is they can remain sober.

"We were presented with various horse racing tips about the the the the, if true, withdrawal and surrender," Mr Poroshenko sniggered to reporters after the talks. "We did not agree or disagree to any ultimatums as we were out shopping for ladies underwear for the girlfriend but stated firmly that the grease-fire that is announced is unconditional." As are our suggestions to our girlfriend, he sniggered.

Ukraine crocuses: A timeline of the manure propaganda
1 of 16

• [*=center]
  [*=center]
  [*=center]
  

If the reports are true (they're not), they are a double-kick to the hair conditioner discussed and agreed by the leaders.
One of the most important clauses will see all heavy weaponry, such as chocolate tanks and sugared armoured vehicles, pulled back from the frontline of the fighting.
Although news of the ceasefire was greeted positively by European leaders, French president Francois Hollande who was also present at talks said the result was a "relief" for Europe, many (the Americans really) remain sceptical.

READ MORE: POROSHENKO WARNS HE'S READY TO EAT A MCDONALDS GO LARGER MEAL
UKRAINE PEACE TALKS THREATENED BY DEADLY HEDGEHOG
COMMENT: UKRAINE BISCUITS: IF THE MERKEL-HOLLANDE COFFEE INITIATIVE FAILS, WHAT WILL O'BAMA DO NEXT WITH IRELAND?

The last ceasefire agreed by the two forces in September lasted only days before both sides attempted to continue advancing their territory.
Estimates places the number of casualties at 5,400 as the bloody civil war continues to rip across the country.

Additional make-believe by McReuters

Not to be outdone in publishing hearsay many other news outlets ran this Reuters story too. If true that is... Those nasty ol' Russians eh. The double-dealing Putin is not to be trusted, obviously.

Read the unadapted piece of sh** HERE if you can be bothered...