Am I talking balls?

[Paul Rigby]

Here are the major findings:

• The Houthis cynically moved the funeral hall and its occupants directly into the path of the falling bombs, which were precision instruments launched against an Iranian death ray
  
• It is imperative that the UK sells even more arms, at incredibly inflated prices, to the Saudis
  
• There is, with any luck, no military solution to the war in Yemen, unlike in Syria, where the complete triumph of the CIA's Islamic Contras would solve everything
  
• Only agents of the Kremlin refuse to take seriously the Saudi report into the Saudi atrocity
  

Dear sir,

Typically ignorant bloody terrorists! It's bloody impossible to drop a bomb in anger these days, without innocents throwing themselves beneath the damn bloody things, just so they can hinder the legal and moral right of Her Majesty's government to graciously issue export licenses for the much needed and sought after products of leading British export companies intent on the scientific transmutation of turning useless sand into glass for the betterment of mankind and the furtherance of glass-makers everywhere.

In frustration,
Hugh Winkletoe, Resident Bar Polisher, The Royal Oak Hotel, Wivenhoe.

Mr. Hugh Winkletoe's most recent missive (17 October) embodies the sort of robust common sense that has long made the Torygraph's letters page an oasis of sanity in a sea of modishly sentimental human rights dross, most of it generated by grasping solicitors and their dupes, many of these sex-starved Grauniad women stalking refugee camps in search of a meaty column.

He is unquestionably correct, as I proved conclusively in my seminal work, Arabia Berserka, the definitive study of an appalling ancient custom. Arabs have traditionally flung both their enemies and unwanted relatives, many of them women and children, beneath or in the path of bombs, tanks, bullets, depleted uranium, and, lest we forget, a little Churchillian mustard gas: All in a desperate attempt to discredit the benign imperial rule of first Britain, and, latterly, our esteemed American cousins.

Readers interested in scientific proof of these verities may turn with complete confidence to the updated edition of my book, the one with the added graphs and tables, some of which are comprehensible, all courtesy of the Tel Aviv Institute for Advanced Steven Pinkerism. It's the one with the ExxonMobil logo on the spine.

Those familiar with the first edition may rest assured that it continues to contain that extraordinary foreword by my late friend Tommy Lawrence. The Sand-Buggers, that immortal rumination upon the subject of British Arabists, has been supplemented, you will be pleased to learn, by a photographic insert depicting proud Turkish privates.

Yours sincerely,

Charles Montagu Poncy,
The Hilton Garden Inn,
Riyadh