The New Ford Carbuncle

[Paul Rigby]

Dear Sir Herbet Tooth,
There is a nominal flagellation suite at a small extra cost designed for lapsed catholics, that is made entirely from flannelette.

Sincerely,



Edward Angus Peter Twibble
Private parts assistant to the Sales Manager
Cars-R-Us
A proud member of the Noble Digger Group of companies.

Twibble,

I have conveyed the above inside-dope to Gamp, who assures me that while he is very interested, he is most definitely not lapsed, whatever Desmond Dekker's porno daily reports to the contrary. (See Saturday's court report, p27, just beneath the extraordinary 3D advert for The Best of Asian Babes DVD. If you need the specs, I have a spare pair.)

"Flannelette," by the way, is "in" according to the blessed Monsieur, who keeps abreast of these things courtesy of his electronic tablet, and the Alexander McQueen Tribute website. (Best avoided, by the by: Full of women with moustaches in leather.)

Gamp needs wheels for a variety of pastoral purposes, chief among them his ministry to the fallen body builders of Bristol. Is there no end to this man's supererogatory labours, I wonder? There certainly isn't to his supply of steroids.

Bottoms up,

Tooth

PS If you're wandering through the Northern Wastelands next week in search of a fleet buyer with more money than sense, pop over to Oldham on Tuesday. Central Office have ordered me to drone to the local savages on the subject of the Big Society or some similar tosh. Real purpose quite different, naturellement. More when I've finished this carafe, quite probably on Wednesday.