The Daily Mail Dictionary

[Magda Hassan]

The Daily Mail Dictionary Written by Uponnothing Tuesday, 12 May 2009 20:27 Here is the Daily Mail Dictionary, as seen in the Guardian. Feel free to add your own suggestions either in the comments section or via the submit article button at the top of the page. The bulk of these entries have been taken from the Mailwatch archive. Credit also goes to those who have added further entries in the comments on this site - many thanks to all that have and continue to contribute (special mention to Tad and their stirling efforts).
A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - X - Y - Z

50-inch plasma TV: What people on the dole buy with their benefits to watch Jeremy Kyle. Hard-working middle-class people cannot afford such fripperies due to the high cost of private education and BUPA.

1001 uses for vinegar book: An amazing medical textbook that no self respecting doctor should be without.

1950's: When god created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Everything was perfect. Nothing was wrong. All was well.

The 1980s: To many people the 80s were a time of mass-poverty, striking miners, poll tax riots, the IRA blowing things up, terrible public services and rising drug culture in the inner-city. However, most of these people are whinging Northerners or PC leftists and in actual fact the 80s gave us amazing big-haired fashion, cool yuppies with mobiles the size of a kitten and wonderfully non-gay music by acts such as Erasure, Queen, The Pet Shop Boys and Kajagoogoo. Furthermore the drug issues were dealt with completely thanks to the cast of Grange Hill's 'Just Say No campaign'. During the 80s the UK was a proper United Kingdom and was ruled by Queen Margaret whose policies ensured all social problems disappeared until the arrival of Tony B-Liar.

2012: When the world will end. The proofs of this are legion; there's the Mayan calendar, books written by people who are into the Mayan Calendar and the upcoming film by the director of Independence Day. Clearly there is far more evidence for doom in 2012 than there is for global climate change. See also Large Hadron Collider.

A

A-levels: a) Exams passed only by attractive 18 yr old girls. b) When those from the working-class or of a dusky complexion get three A grades in sciences & maths this proves the exams are useless and not worth the paper they're written on... however, when a minor member of the Royal Family gets two D's in Art History and Poetry this shows how incredibly clever the upper-classes are due to their superior genes.

Accident: When someone is killed who isn't middle class.

AIDS: A disease that affects only gays. See also Bad Aids.

Albania / Romania: Land where gypos and bums were invented.

Alcoholism: Terrible social problem affecting middle-class persons due to the strain of living in a Communist McBroon gulag. Can only be dealt with properly with counselling and the understanding of their friends and family. See also Binge Drinking.

Ambulance: A blue light taxi for our use.

America: A charming country where people love the English and our Queen. It is also a country which proves millions of people with different cultures and nationalities can live together in peace and democratic harmony. See also The EU.

Americans: Like them and their government, unless they can be used as a stick to beat our government with.

Argentina: dirty evil dago scum, want our islands and sheep. But they did have that nice Evita woman. Andrew Lloyd-Webber, eh? Smashing chap.

Arts, The: Evil leftist conspiracy to create things that ordinary people don't understand and wouldn't want on or above their mantelpiece or in their conservatory. See also Modern Art.

Assault: carried out either by evil scum hoody youths, or by otherwise law abiding middle class people on evil scum hoody youths. In either case, the evil scum hoody youths get away with it.

ASBO: a certificate to be proud of.

ASBO generation: synonym of teenager.

Asylum Seeker: See Illegal Immigrant.

Atheists: A secret group of people who rule the country and hate Christians, but like the others.
Australia / New Zealand: British colony, utopia where nothing ever goes wrong.

Autism: Caused by MMR jabs Autism is a terrible disease created by New Labour to stifle dissent in young people.

B

Baby: A drain on the tax-payer brought into the world by parents who are either teenagers or foreign. See also Child.

Bachelor: Closet homosexual. See also Bachelor Boy, Confirmed Bachelor Boy, Eligible Bachelor.

Bachelor Boy: Cliff Richard. See also Bachelor, Confirmed Bachelor Boy, Eligible Bachelor.

Bad Aids: The sort not caught by white middle-aged middle-class people, who only got it because of the failings of the filthy Lefty NHS and its Asylum Seeking so-called workers. See also Aids.

BBC, The: Evil, leftist-run, liberal-fascist organisation bent on burying the middle-classes in a sea of misinformation. It is also the mouthpiece for Nu-Labour's socialist experiment. Only employs ethnically diverse, gay or disabled staff.

Benefits: Any money given by the government to people who are too lazy to work. Currently stands at £200 per week.

Binge-drinking: Act of consuming alcohol to excess carried out by those of a chav persuasion due to their lack of morality and easy access to Stella. To deal with this issue requires an iron fist - mass jailings, water cannons, assassinations of Bargain Booze workers and so on. See also Alcoholism.

Black Shirts, The: HURRAH [FOR THEM]!!

BNP, The: Vile disgusting fringe political party that has some very interesting Tory policies. The only political party brave enough to stand up for the repressed indigenous population. The BNP are not a racist organisation; this is merely a smear spread by liberal-fascists who hate white, British people.

Bomber: One who uses an explosive device to cause harm to human targets. May or may not be a pejorative term, depending on the ethnicity and car ownership of the perpetrator.

Books: Something to be viewed with suspicion; whilst decrying literacy levels. Isn't it out on DVD anyway?

Books for babies: PC-Marxist nonsense where the NHS supplies free books to single mothers in a futile attempt to help educate their new arrivals. Surely if they can't afford their own books then they're chavs and their kids are ineducable anyway?

Brain, The: An organ which is occasionally applied for Sudoku purposes but generally it is bypassed in favour of blind prejudice and a xenophobic contempt.

Brand, Russell: An untalented, unfunny, womanising nev'r do well lech representative of the social decay of Britain. But we can't attack him too much now that he's chummy with Gordon Smart of The Sun again.

Brazilian: a) Something celebrity ladies do which involves wax and bikinis. b) What Peter Mandelson has unnatural sex with.

British People: White Middle Classed and Middle Aged.

British Telecom: Before 1997 this was a stunning British success story which showed how Queen Margaret's privatisation policies would lead to cutting-edge business practices and healthy profits for shareholders. Since 1997 they've ripped off the public and raked in huge profits whilst providing a terrible service.

Buddhists: Weird Chinese or Japanese people who sit cross-legged and say "Ommmmmmmmmmmm" a lot.

BUPA: Where I would want to go if I'm ill.

Burglary: robbery carried out by hoodies and career criminals on any house they see.

Business: A competitive marketplace designed to produce wealth. Business is a tough game and only the fittest survive.

C

Cancer: a life-threatening disease caused by everything, and cured by everything else.

Career woman: Bitter thirtysomething female who stole a job off a hardworking man thanks to Feminazi employment policies. All career women are unhappy because they have yet to reproduce and so spend their spare time experimenting with perversions such as Sex & the City DVDs and lesbianism. Due to rampant promiscuity most career women will be unable to have children - which serves them right. See also Amanda Platell.

Censorship: What we need more of to make sure non-Mail readers aren't allowed to do and say whatever they want.

CFLs: Compact fluorescent lamps - a device invented by communists and forced on us by global warming hoaxers. CFLs cause headaches, cancer, and are so gloomy 95% of the population regularly fall over in the dark and have to risk flesh-eating bugs in an NHS hospital to get their injuries treated. CFLs also emit clouds of mercury when switched on which causes brain-poisoning and makes sufferers vote New Lie-Boor.

Chavs: Chavs breed with other chavs and produce chavlings, thus diluting the gene pool and devolving the species. You see Darwin was right - but only about chavs. See also Evolution.

Cherie Blair: Evil dominatrix who stops paedos going to jail. She also wrote the Human rights act and has opinions on things unlike a real woman does.

Chile: used to be quite nice but gone to the dogs now. Supported us in the Falklands war dontcha know? I had that Pinochet in the back of my cab once. Marvellous.

Child: The result of the union between two loving, middle-class, married parents. See also Baby.

China / India: exotic countries where people eat funny food and can't speak English properly. Currently stealing our jobs and solely to blame for global warming.

Christian: The British religion. All Christians are law-abiding, peaceful people and will be forgiven for any breaches of this due to anti-Christian laws. Are currently being persecuted.

Clarkson, Jeremy: A man willing to stand tall against the evil forces of political correctness gone mad. Should be Prime Minister, or at least Minister for Cars-- sorry, Transport.

Classic Literature: Something to pretend to read, but only if supplied free by the Mail. Would prefer it on DVD, also for free.

Clinical Depression: a) Fake illness of choice for chavs when they claim sickness benefit. b) Imaginary complaint usually affecting career-women who simply can't do a man's job so pretend to be sick instead. c) Real illness affecting 80% of the downtrodden middle-classes who pay all the taxes in this nation yet get nothing back from the state.
Coal-mining: Useless old industry put out of its misery by the reforming Conservative government of the 1980s.

Cocaine: Killer drug used for recreation by hippies and career women going through their party phase. Cocaine should be banned for many reasons - not least because people take it to enhance their sexual performance.

Cole, Cheryl: The new Princess Di (now that both Di and Jade Goody are dead).

Comment Moderators: YTS monkeys who watch for any anti-Mail or anti-Littlejohn diatribes. On Tuesdays and Fridays when Littlejohn's latest article is published, they lock the comment section down tighter than a duck's arse. However, smart people can get round the restrictions by posing as BNP members who seem to agree with LJ's rants, but then change their minds at the end and call him a fud.

Common Sense: Things that we agree with.

Comprehensive school: An expensive baby-sitting service for yobs. Offers classes in such subjects as becoming a teen mum, turning gay and communism. Minimal teaching of the Three R's.

Computer games: Responsible for all the violence in the world today. In fact it is believed that if computer games had been around in the 1940s WW2 would have been twice as bad - it is no coincidence that Sony and Nintendo are Japanese.

Confirmed Bachelor Boy: Our libel lawyers won't let us do this one. See also Bachelor, Bachelor Boy, Eligible Bachelor.

Cosmetic surgery: a) Invasive medical techniques used to make hard-working women look twenty years younger. b) Invasive medical techniques used to make celebrities look awful. c) What footballer-chasing whores get done so they have big chests.

Council: bunch of useless morons who never could get a job in the real world, all leftie tree-huggers and snoopers. Main function is to waste our council taxes, fund abortions for single mothers and force small boys to have gay sex with their (naturally communist) teachers.

Council Housing: A government palace in a hell hole.

Council Tax: The most egregious of taxes. A hard-working millionaire in Hampstead will pay perhaps twice that of a family of chavs in Lewisham simply because he lives in a £5 million house and they're sharing a rat-infested hovel. Under the far fairer poll tax the tax burden was reversed.

Crime: A social disease that only appeared in May 1997.

Crime soars: theft, vandalism, nuisance calls done by poor or ethnic types. See also Harmless fun.

Cruise, Suri: Three year old tot who has famous parents so we can happily take hundreds of pictures while following her round all day. If she wants privacy then she should tell her mum and dad to stop making films.

Cuba: Evil stinking commies led by the world's most evil man. Lovely old cars though. Godfather 2? Great film.

Cunnilingus: 1, Fiction invented by communists. Sounds unhygenic, if you ask me. 2, New Irish Budget Airline. Fare to Isle of Lesbos £20. See also Deviant.

D

Dacre, Paul: Our esteemed spiritual leader. Virtuous, kind, honest and a pillar of middle England. A crusader for all that is good. See also Pinochet, Thatcher.

Daily Mail: See Insurgents.

Death Penalty: Should be applied to all criminals. Except where the crime is car-related.

Democracy: Tory Government.

Deviant: see Homosexual, Lesbian, Cunnilingus.

Diana: 1. After death, a saint, able to disarm landmines and cure AIDs by touch alone, killed by a drunken Frenchman with the collusion of MI5, Prince Philip, and MMR.
2. Before death, an evil money-grabbing divorcee who conducted shameful affairs with foreign men, thereby bringing shame on Britain, the Queen, and her sons.

Dick Emery Show: Classic 1970s telly where Dick would play hilarious characters including a busty blonde and a amusingly camp homosexual. Example of how good British television was before the PC crowd got at it.
Disgusted: A stock response to any headline, regardless of the content of the article. The Mail reader can be disgusted about ANYTHING. Often readers are disgusted with sexual images, they click onto the Mail website and are so disgusted by the wall of flesh on the right hand side of the site (from top to bottom, figuratively and literally) that they have to click on the pictures of celebrity X topless, or celebrity X getting out of a cab and flashing their knickers and post about how awful it is that they should be subjected to such images. Female commentators often point out what a slapper' celebrity X is, and how they are also 'deeply unattractive'.

Dita Von Teese: Woman who models underwear and as such is important enough to regularly feature on our web-site. We promise we've never done a Google search for that lesbian film she was in, honestly.

The Daily Mail pays photographers vast sums of money to ensure that any celebrity nudity on holiday, in private, getting in and out of cars / taxis, falling out of dresses at awards ceremonies or any other event is catalogued (as a crime against humanity of course) on the Mail website. The worst examples (or the most famous celebrities) also feature in the print edition of the Mail, so readers can get angry about how terrible it all is that such things go on in the world (or at least masturbate without worry about ending up with a sticky keyboard). Sadly this has gained the Mail a large following of depraved individuals who actually like these pictures. Such individuals often accuse the Mail of gross hypocrisy: decrying public nudity whilst splashing it in full colour, ultra-close-up full-page spreads in their newspapers. Obviously this view is a gross distortion put forward by liberal-loonies created by generation sex' (in turn generated by the internet).

Doctor: A professional with Private Health insurance, who costs on average an outrageous 1/8th of Littlejohn's salary to employ.

Draconian: Adjective applied to any punishment given to otherwise law-abiding people for committing crime.

Drugs: a) Substances taken by chavs because they're vermin and have no morals. b) Something taken by poor middle-class people because they are suffering under 12 years of ZaNuLabour and are under terrible pressure at work.

DVD-ROM: Portable pornography storage device. Let us define a porn unit as the ability to hold our hour of filthy video (roughly 700MB). A DVD-ROM can therefore store more than six Porn Units of downright disgusting dirtiness. And whats more - children can buy them in supermarkets!

Dyslexia: a) What doctors tell chav parents to cover-up the fact their kids are morons & to allow said denizens of the underclass to grab more cash in benefits. b) Would be cured overnight if we brought the cane back in schools. c) Terrible illness suffered by many famous people, including Richard Branson.

E
Economics of the Madhouse: Social security spending.

Electorate, The: Tory Votors.

Elf 'N' Safety: One of Littlejohn's more mature colloquialisms. The branch of the government determined to stop YOU from having a good time. If you see a traffic cone in the middle of the road and you have to swerve round it - it's Elf N Safety alright! See also Littlejohnism.

Eligable bachelor: Single millionaire. See also Bachelor, Bachelor Boy, Confirmed Bachelor Boy.

Empire: God's gift to Britain. A rightful claim to the world.

English, The: Better than everyone else and yet still screwed over by everyone else.

Erotica: Sexual material enjoyed by middle-class couples that helps spice-up their love lives. See also Pornography.

EU, The: Run by Europeans for the benefit of the French. The EU is a failed superstate experiment created by Hitler or Communists (we can't really remember) that proves millions of people with different cultures and nationalities cannot be forced to live together in peace and democratic harmony. See also America.

Europe: Evil vile enemy of Britain. Wants to rob us blind.

Europeans: Don't like them, but like buying houses off them.

Evolution: Invented by the well-known Communist Charles Darwin in order to subvert religion and pretend mankind is descended from Chimps. Gave us the nonsensical term 'survival of the fittest'. See also Chavs.

Exclusive Story: We paid more than you.

Ex-pat: 1, A fine upstanding citizen who lives in a Brits-only ghetto, drinks in the Red Lion pub, reads British newspapers, won't eat "that foreign muck" and shouts in English as there's no need to learn the local language. Can often be found on websites bemoaning immigrants' failure to integrate into British society without a hint of irony or self-awareness.

2, The person that knows how the once-Great-Britain' (© Mail commentators and writers) has gone to the dogs/to hell in a handcart, even though as they joyfully state in their post they have escaped to Spain/Australia/ France/New Zealand' 5 years ago. Such people also bash immigrants without any awareness that they are also immigrants in another country. Littlejohn, writing from Florida, can also be described as an ex-pat (amongst other things).

Ex-pats are remarkably concerned with how British taxpayers money is spent, considering that they no longer pay British tax, or use any services provided by the British Government. They are also remarkably concerned with how often bins are emptied in suburbs across the UK, considering of course that they don't live here anymore. Indeed, readers may often wonder at the acute eyesight and sense of smell that Littlejohn possesses when he so despairingly describes the sights and smells of McBroon's Britain, perched as he is thousands of miles away in Florida. See also Immigrants or Illegal Immigrants.

Expert: A person with a high degree of skill in or knowledge of a certain subject. (ie. Doctors, Professors). This word is usually to be found within the Daily Mail encased in apostrophes and normally lead by the prefix so-called eg "these so-called 'experts'..."

F
Facebook: Electronic devil-worshipping cult. Causes cancer, obesity and murder. All social networks are evil and full of paedophiles and German murderers. Responsible for 99.9% of teenage pregnancies and crime in Middle England. See also Twitter, Social Networks, MySpace.

Family: Consisting of white male and female 2 children,own house -contribute 90% of money earned to the government and receive no welfare benefits.

Fast Food: Food chavs eat which is why they all weigh 25 stone. Not to be confused with the quick recipes that the Daily Mail offers, these meals are fast, yes, but in a classy way - especially if washed down with a nice bottle of wine. See also Fat, Obese.

Fat: The state of being not quite anorexic which affects beautiful Hollywood actresses, who nonetheless are still somewhat thinner than Liz Jones. See also Fast Food, Obese.

Fellatio: a) Italian musical term instructing the performer where to position one's mouth whilst playing the Tuba. b) The winner of the 'Suggest a name for Liz Jones' new cat' contest.

Female Orgasm: Does not exist, made up by PC Feminists.

Fermi Paradox: Legendary physicist Enrico Fermi posed the question 'if the universe is full of intelligent beings, then where are they?' This simple conundrum has inspired scientists to search for life on other planets. However, commenters on the Daily Mail's website know the answer - the aliens are hiding because they're dismayed at what Gordon Broon has done to England.

Film and video-game violence: Film and video-game violence causes children to act out sick fantasies such as painting themselves yellow and cannibalising defenceless ghosts, running over Harri Krishnas in a stolen car or slicing off the ears of local gangsters. However, the effect of violence is ameliorated if the film/game in question is made by a patriotic conservative member of the acting profession such as Mel Gibson, Rocky Stallone or the Governator.

Flint, Caroline: Member of Parliament who by rights we should hate - her crimes include being female, being a member of ZaNuLieboor and parading around flashing her legs. Unfortunately she has a certain 'effect' on many of our male readers and as such we must feature regular colour pictures of her wearing short dresses to keep our circulation up (and our male readers up).

Florida: has a direct rail link to Wapping or Fleet street, the destination depending on whether Littlejohn is working for The Sun or Mail at the time. The trains run only on Tuesdays and Fridays, and cost £900K per annum to run.
Food police: A sinister new-Lieburr cabal whose mission is to tell the British people what to eat. For example, the Food Police will say to the corporations which make our meals "Please don't put enough salt to poison an elephant in ready meals & crisps" demonstrating how leftists want to take culinary choices away from the British people. Surely if hard-working taxpayers want to eat 25 packets of crisps a day due to depression caused by the socialist dictatorship they endue, then that is their prerogative?
Fox hunting: Shouldn't be a crime. It was a healthy country sport enjoyed by law-abiding citizens until it was banned by Nu LieBoor. Because young people can no longer enjoy dogs ripping apart foxes in their spare time they have instead turned to marijuana-smoking which - there's a shock - was made totally legal by Blair's dastardly minions.

Fox, Megan: Stunningly beautiful up and coming Hollywood starlet. In all fairness we must point out that she's a bit thin, those tattoos make her look trampy and she can't act. She's also going out with Uncle Derek from the Sarah Connor Chronicles, who's old enough to be her older brother - oh my God!

Fox News: The voice of truth in Communist-dominated America.

France: 1, Cead of evil coalition known as the EU. we beat them in a few battles a few centuries ago, which is proof we are better than them. Full of foreigners but have sensible policies on ethnic integration and lots of cheap booze. Country of cowardly garlic-eating strikers who make hard-working British holidaymakers lives a misery. A great place to buy property and home of Mrs Sarcozy - she's lovely, isn't she? Just like Jackie Kennedy but with nudie pictures.

Fraud: 1, a minor crime that only white middle class people can be prosecuted for; 2 stealing lots of money without robbing anyone. Only committed by PC NuLab supporting company executives, and not people who find tax loopholes like we do.

Free Market, The: An economic idea appealed to when it suits one, and abhorred when it does not. For example; economic migrants are to be reviled, yet cheap food in supermarkets is our birthright.

Fury: Middle Englanders tutting audibly.

G

Gang member: Black teenager. See also Knife-Wielding Thug.

Gap year: Smashing mind-broadening trip to exotic climes enjoyed by the younger Royals and teenage members of the struggling middle-classes. Gappers divide their time between the beach, the pub and avoiding ladyboys in Bangkok, then spend the next 45 years of their lives repeating the same stories about what fun they had at every dinner party they go to with their Oxbridge chums. Contrast with working-class teenagers who waste their days in a minimum wage job to help pay for their boozing and cannabis once they get to what is laughingly referred to as 'university'.

GCSE: not worth the paper they are written on.

Geldof, Peaches: Someone we profess to hate but nonetheless have to feature several stories about every week. - largely because she is often skimpily dressed and we can tut like her father.

Germany: also leading member of evil EU, if you mention the war to a German he will break down and cry. All kinky perverts with bleached hair and leather trousers. Drink beer in funny foreign measures. We beat them in a war a few decades ago; so we are better people than they are.

Global Warming: 1, A non-existent disease that affects the planet. Not caused by burning fossil fuels. 2, BBQ and Patio heaters on a high setting.

God: The divine creator of everything good. Only worshipped by Christians.

Good immigrant: Those from Australia, the US, New Zealand or Gurkhas. Good immigrants all work hard and never claim any benefits at all. As an added bonus they tend to be white (well, Gurkhas aren't, but Joanna Lumley is). See also Immigrant, Illegal immigrant, Asylum Seeker.

Goody, Jade: Pre-2008) Living embodiment of all that is wrong with Stalin McBroon's Britain. Queen of chavs who made money through being stupid and whose dysfunctional family showed in graphic detail why we need to cut benefits NOW. Post-2008) Tragic role-model for millions. Her adoring manner and beatific smile cheered the whole nation while she fought like a tiger against the evil of cancer. A working-class version of Princess Di, minus the bulimia and neuroses.

Guardian readers: Empty headed leftie liberal morons who don't understand anything.

Guns: Should be legalised as soon as they ban computer games and Tarantino films. Guns don't kill people - rappers do.

H

Hadrian's wall: A miracle of Roman engineering that unfortunately fell into disrepair, letting the Subsidy Junkies in and permitting the Scottish Raj to take over OUR government and misappropriate Middle England's taxes to pay for McBroon's Sky Sports sub. Rebuild it as soon as possible and fill their side with water. Can you fill in Newcastle as well while you're at it.

Hairy Angel: A godsend - Susan Boyle is a woman who can sing but isn't beautiful so we can write dozens of articles that superficially praise her performances while actually having a go at her for being a munter.

Hard-working: Any job which nets the recipient over £100k a year and doesn't involve working for the BBC. This is in direct contrast to the non-hard-working masses in their pitiful 20k a year positions who obviously were too dim (or genetically challenged) to have passed their A-levels and are therefore relegated to a life of ersatz toil. Those with degrees who earn less than 100k either studied Basket-weaving at the Unversity of Katie Price OR are PC leftist public-sector scroungers.

Harmless fun from a more innocent era: theft, vandalism, nuisance calls done by small boys in shorts. See also Crime Soars.

Health And Safety: [slang 'elf and safety] When the law is wrongly applied to a dangerous situation, in which no one is allowed to be injured and die unnecessarily.

Hero: A person who stands up for the middle classes. A person who refuses to pay their council tax or speeding fines, whilst denouncing all that is wrong with today's society.

History: Before socialist indoctrination through our teaching colleges, history lessons consisted of the learning of some 14,000 separate dates along with the transmission of much important information about the British Empire to generations of eager students. Nowadays it has been replaced by discussions on slavery and GCSE coursework asking teenagers to write essays about 'Do you think Anne Frank got really bored being stuck in that Attic with no iPod?'.

Holiday: a) Something hard-working middle-class people cannot afford due to Broon's tax grab. b) Something hard-working middle-class people have to go on every month in order to get away from Broon. c) A way to escape the foreigners in England.

Holland: Liberal hellhole where everyone is stoned and has sex with whores. Any sense of a happy society is because of this and not a result of liberal policies or high taxation.

Homeopathy: A genuine treatment for all that ails ya.

Homosexual: Disgusting creature who threatens "the family" and society as a whole. Non threatening varieties sometimes found (see John Inman for innocent laugh-at-the-poof fun; see Stephen Fry for talks-proper-so-can't-be-all-bad). (See The Daily Mail and the Gay Agenda)

Human rights not to be confused with Yuman rites' human rights provide Mail readers with the inalienable right to complain about anything that does not fit into their very narrow view of the world. Often Mail readers confuse Yuman rites' (bad) with Human rights' (good) this creates a contradiction in their world view and when they find themselves appealing to the European Court of Human rights' (much like any foreigner) their head explodes and the Mail loses a valuable reader. See also 'Yuman rites'.

I

Illegal Immigrant: A person of non-white appearance, who doesn't speak English, who steals money from the honest, law abiding tax payer, and who gets a million pounds in benefits each day, plus a free house. And a mobile phone and laptop (that was in a Birmingham BNP leaflet but it was probably in the Mail as well).

Immigrants: 1, plural, Come in one variety only: fraudulent spongers leaching off MY taxes and becoming millionaires while WE work to pay for them. There is no such thing as an immigrant with a life like mine. 2, singular, A person moving to the UK solely to be showered' with benefits, receive a free council house and entitlement to yuman rites'. If the immigrant does decide to work they will be stealing a job from a hard-working, dedicated and highly-skilled British worker by working for a pittance. The immigrant will then send every penny of their salary (without paying tax, naturally) back to their relations in whatever rubbish little country they came from.

Innocent victim of stupid PC 'laws': Farmer who shoots fleeing gypsy burglar in the back.

Insurgents: People attempting a change of government using undemocratic means.

iPlayer: Internet application created by Marxists at the BBC which allows real-time video streaming of Russell Brand & Johnathan Ross to millions of unsuspecting victims. iPlayer's bandwidth requirements are so large that experts fear its continued use will break the Internet. Yet another reason to get rid of the TV tax.

Internet, The a communication system spied on by governments, consisting solely of pornography, perverts, paedophiles and social websites. Any child that visits the Internet is instantly turned into a sexual deviant before being chatted-up minutes later by a balding 50 year old man who wants to meet up with her. All information that is not contained on the Mail's website is false and should be disregarded without question.

Ireland: godforsaken bog full of jumped-up Micks, fairies and leprechauns. They have the sheer audacity to tell us British people to get lost and then have the undiluted nerve to actually run their country so well that they have a higher GNP and standard of living than we do. Oh well, keep on at it, Paddies. It's all EU money anyway. You scum. You're our scum and we'll have you for it one day. Still, Riverdance, eh? Lovely show.

Israel: Okayish bit of the Middle East as the ragheads don't run it. Would be even better if they were true beleivers not kikes. But the second coming will see to that.

Italy: funny little country where everyone eats spaghetti bolognese and pizza every day for every meal. Parts of Italy (Tuscany) are British Colonies. Has been governed by sensible, christian conservative government for past 50 years because everyone loves them and has nothing to do with corruption at all. Every italian footballer is diving scum and no-match for our boys.

J

Jails: Should be scrapped and replaced by the death penalty.

Jesus: a) The son of God. b) The toyboy of Madonna. c) He whose name is banned by the leftist Muslims who run every council in the UK.

Jews: A nice religion, not quite Christian, but since we were so supportive of Hitler back in the 30s, we're trying to make up for it by being overly nice. Also good for fighting Muslims.

Jobsworth: A person, normally a traffic warden or council official who upholds the law and/or does their job.

Jones, Dylan: Hagiographer of Mr David "Dave" Cameron (leader of the resistance against Soviet Britain). As a lead contributer to Live Magazine, he has spoken out on many issues of the day, including ties and the poor dress-sense of British men. Also recently broke into political policy making by promoting the excellent 'Make fat dolites deport themselves by giving them a few bob' concept, which is being looked at in detail by conservative intellectuals. Dylan speaks for the generation of men whose busy lives spending their millions nonetheless leaves enough time for manly activities such as cage-fighting and fretting over their appearance like Posh Spice. Advertisers believe this 'Patrick Bateman' demographic is one of the fastest growing sectors of the economy.

Jones, Liz: Bridget Jones with money and less men. Not at all inane or irritating she is actually a eloquent defender of women's liberation. She owns a 42-acre estate in the country, drives a BMW, and yet can't get laid. She bemoans her single status every week, all while letting the reader know how rich and "upper-clerse" she is. Liz Jones' singledom is suspected to be due to the fact she has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. She is considered a bitch.

K

Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda, Egypt, Nigeria, Gambia and Ghana: British. Or should be. Long as they all stay over there.

Knife-wielding thug: Black teenager. See also Gang Member.

L

Lad's Mags: It has been alleged by PC liberals such as Claire Short that during the time of Queen Margaret one could purchase newspapers containing pictures of bare-breasted 16yr old girls - something that would be illegal these days. Furthermore many of these girls apparently became famous and 'Page 3 stars'. However, this is all a great myth. Pictures of naked girls didn't appear in Britain until the arrival of 'Lads Mags' a few years ago. These magazines have - combined with computer games and the Internet - created a nation of paedophiles and Labour voters are yet another reason why Britain has gone to the dogs.

Lap dancer: Beautiful, often middle-class rebel who takes clothes off to entertain gentlemen in posh clubs. See also Stripper.

Large Hadron Collider: Doomsday machine created by EU leftists designed to rip open a hole in the space-time continuum which would exterminate all life on planet Earth. However, it broke last year, so the end of the world is delayed until 2012.

Lesbian: female version of Homosexual. Doesn't really exist.

Library: austere building staffed by stern lesbians in tweed skirts who wear their hair in a bun. Preferably with glasses. Parquet floors, and newspapers on racks. Of course now it's all gone to the dogs and they're full of computers. Muslims use them to find out how to make bombs, you know.

Life on Mars: DM wet dream on how the police should behave.

Little Britain: Disgusting show featuring base-level humour and consisting of the chief players dressing up in female & other outrageous attire pretending to be characters such as lewd women and so-called 'gays'. Example of how political correctness has ruined the BBC. On the other hand, it does take the piss out of chavs and stereotypes them through the eyes of the Mail reader so it's not all bad.

Littlejohn, Richard: 1, Should be Prime Minister. Inoffensive voice of middle England. The pinnacle of professional journalism and writing. Possible reincarnation of Jesus? Gay men find Richard irresistible, some suspect that Richard is actually a homosexual. 2, friend of Iraqis, Scots, prostitutes and the MBongo Bongo tribe. Lives in Portsmouth with his wife Rita and their 3 terriers named Gordon, Alistair and Mandy. Littlejohn is a regular out on the town in Pompey, where he gathers opinions from the little people of Middle England who have no voice. 3, Some people lie and say that Richard actually lives in a gated mansion in Florida and is shunned by locals as an immigrant. See also Nazi. (See Richard Littlejohn's 2008 audit here)

LittleJohnism: One of the many infantile phrases that LJ repeats in every article he writes, to reinforce the notion that Britain "is going to hell in a handcart". See also Elf N Safety, Yuman Rights, You Couldn't make it up, Scottish Raj.

London: The centre of the known universe (except the bits where foreign people live.)

Lottery, The: A scheme to provide funds for things the Mail dislikes.

M

Madness: Things we don't agree with. Public spending.

Magic Crystals: A branch of homeopathy that works.

Mail readers: The vast (and silent) majority. Experts in everything. Can solve any sudoku puzzle in under 3 seconds. The most oppressed ethnic group in the UK.

Mandate: In the UK, the authority given by the electorate to the majority or largest political party in the House of Commons to form a government and implement certain policies. A government is said to have no mandate if the Daily Mail or its readership did not vote for the government or do not support its policies.

Mathematics: When O-Levels were around and calculators banned in the classroom the average 16 yr old in Britain could easily work out partial differential equations in their head and would spend many a happy Sunday (after church) calculating how the paths of asteroids were deflected by the gravitational field of Jupiter. Nowadays a typical 25yr old PHd in 'Applied mathematics' has difficulty working out how much change they'll get from £20 if they buy a round in the pub for two of their friends. Proper maths was killed by socialists.

McBroon, Gordan: (A.K.A Gordon Mugabe) Mcbroon is a fictional politician who is the Prime Minister of fictional political party 'Nu-Liebour'. Considered worse than any other dictator in the whole of history for being the 'unelected' leader of a fictional political party and for destroying the world economy, ruining house prices and letting foreign folk take ALL of our jobs. Famous for declaring 'British jobs, for British workers'; before realising that as he did not personally own or have any involvement in every company in the UK he could not actually do anything to stop companies legally employing whomever they wanted. Stupid people in many industries don't seem to grasp this very simple point and blame Mcbroon for going back on his word - such people are too simple to grasp the context in which the comment was made; or to understand the basic premise of capitalism.

Media Studies: Evil PC mindcult created by liberals who run all new universities and the BBC.

Metre, Kilometre, Kilogram, Litre, Celsius: PC units of measurement imposed on the British people by busybodies/Eurocrats/New Labour do-gooders/the nanny state.

Middle England: Fictional part of the UK where everyone is white, middle-class and employed (if male) or stays home looking after the kids (if female). The only part of the UK which is affected by tax rises. The part of the UK most under threat from asylum seekers, speed cameras, recycling and Labour politicians.
Cyrus, Miley: Despite the fact she's just 16, the Mail quite likes printing scantily-clad pictures of her on the beach. However, this is definitely not to sell copy to potential "pedofiles!!", horny teenagers and lairy old men. Mr Dacre would like to point out that the Daily Mail considers itself above the likes of The Sun, who printed a picture of a 15 year old Charlotte Church with heaving breasts and awarded her "Rear Of The Year" at 16. Miley Cyrus is too fat, anyway. MMR: Evil toxin pumped into defenceless little babies by so-called medical experts. Causes Autism and may yet be linked to cancer.

Modern Art: Modern rubbish, which is the emperor's news clothes and can be reproduced for a couple of quid, is occasionally disgusting - it's basically fraud. Not like real art, which looks like what it is supposed to. Art may only be praised for the sake of contrasting it to modern rubbish or as part of the travel section. Art debate justifies publishing risqué images when the opportunity arises. If 'art' is purchased by a public body, then it is a massive waste of tax-payers hard-earned money. See also The Arts.

Moronic Anger: The Mail reader may not be certain what they are angry about right now, but they do know that they're bloody angry about it.

Most right-headed people: Me and my friends at the golf club.

Motorist, The: A driver who can choose which laws to ignore. Also a convenient cash cow for the government. See also Normally Law Abiding, Speeding, Speed Cameras, Zero Tolerance.

Mrs. Thatcher: An outstanding leader who smashed the unions, widened the wealth gap and taught those naughty public sector industries a lesson. Nothing went wrong under her watch.

MRSA: Super-bug disease found in NHS hospitals. Not spread by government cleaning cutbacks.

Mugging: Robbery carried out by hoodies on anyone they see.

Murder: a dreadful crime that only occurs when a middle class white person is killed.

Murder of a middle-class white person: Tragedy and a symptom of the breakdown of society, especially if it's a woman with nice tits.

Murder of someone aged 14-25: Bit of a tragedy, but then they were probably in hoody gangs and deserved it.

Murder of non-whites: Yeah, might put it on page 15.

Mutton dressed as lamb: Any famous woman over 21 who dares to show herself in public without the Daily Mail's prior approval.

Muslims: People with beards and bombs. Every Friday Muslims go to Mosques where they are told how to kill people. The Mosque is paid for and run by you, the taxpayer.

My Chemical Romance: Rocker Emo Goth punk band that teenagers listen to - then commit suicide. Luckily they seem to sell less albums with each release.

MySpace: A great social network to be in. All creeps and paedos are filtered out using advanced mind-reading technology. MySpace is never criticised in any Mail columns as it is owned by Rupert Murdoch and would start a war with The Sun where no-one wins. See also Facebook, Twitter, Social Networks.
N

Nanny state: What we live in when Mail readers aren't allowed to do and say whatever they want.

National Curriculum: Government diktat to teachers forcing them to teach political correctness and to avoid any mention of history.

Natural Sex: In bed in the dark with socks on. See also Un-natural sex, Deviant, Female Orgasm.

Nazi: A prefix or suffix for someone or some organisation that we do not agree with. Can be used even when it seems oxymoronic or an extreme exaggeration to do so. For example in 2008 Richard Littlejohn used the word nazi in the following ways: 'elf 'n' safety nazi', 'road safety nazi', 'anti-smoking nazi', 'eco-nazis', 'dustbin nazis', 'recycling nazis', 'diversity nazis', 'tinpot nazis', 'condiment nazis', 'nail-varnish nazis', 'noise abatement nazis' and 'City of London Corporation safety nazis. See also Richard Littlejohn, Littlejohnism. (Read the full Richard Littlejohn audit for 2008)

Nazi Quota: Whilst downmarket tabloids have a 'Boobs quota' to pull in viewers, the Mail has a nazi quota. This means that every week the paper must feature stories about WW2, which are thinly-disguised puff pieces for the Third Reich, despite the obligatory "The nazis were really bad, honest" bit at the end. For example nazi quota stories point out how nice Hitler's artwork was, how good business was in Paris for tarts when the SS came and express their appreciation for the wonderful architecture designed by Albert Speer.

'New Universities': Policy brought in by John Major where polytechnics could call themselves universities while still providing a world-class standard of education for those who choose a more practical profession such as electrical engineering. Since 1997 they have become an example of how getting rid of the old 'Polys was a disasterous result of left-wing social engineering.

NHS, The: Under the Tories the NHS was the finest institution known to man, sadly Nu-Liebour have destroyed it. You now enter hospitals perfectly healthy for a check-up (after waiting 18 months) only to be placed in a mixed ward where you are forced to parade naked for the amusement of the opposite sex for four hours a day, before they then return the favour. Once your dignity has been lost you contract an MRSA super-duper-bug and die a horrific death waist-deep in your own filth because Johnny Foreigner can't clean the hospital properly.

Normally Law Abiding: Burglar Basher/ Killer or speeding motorist.

North Korea: Almost as much of a dictatorship as Britain under New Labour.

NOW: A prefix for a Daily Mail story attacking the government ("THEY"), e.g. NOW THEY WANT TO USE YOUR GARDENS TO PITCH TENTS FOR MUSLIM SINGLE MOTHERS TO SLEEP IN.

Nu-Liebour: fictional, unelected, leftist political party. Is accused of being 'Stalinist' and full of Nazis (for employing traffic wardens, social workers, the Health and Safety Executive etc and for encouraging supermarkets to ask for ID before selling alcohol). Mail readers are convinced that this fictional polotical party is turning 'once-Great-Britain' into a communist hell-hole worse than China, Russia and any other foreign country that is or once was very unpleasant to live in.

Number 10 Downing Street: Rightful address of Tory Party Leader. See also Democracy.

Nurse: A person who's job it is to wipe our arse when we're in hospital

O

Obese: The state of being overweight and poor. Obesity is entirely due to eating fast food and sitting in front of the plasma telly while counting one's dole money. The best way to deal with obesity is mandatory work camps run by 50s-style Sergeant Majors and/or cutting benefits. Middle-class people do not get obese, although celebrities such as Jessica Simpson do get fat. See also Fat, Fast Food.

Oop North: Grim land of darkness and despair where people earn tuppence a decade, eat coal and live in sewers.

Otherwise law-abiding: Middle England people that attack something or someone that the Mail doesn't like. See also Normally law-abiding.

Outrage: Storm in a tea cup

P

Partner: a) What unmarried mothers call the deadbeat they're living over the brush with while pretending to be single to get more cash off the social. b) The person most likely to abuse small kids. c) The boyfriend/s of respectable gay conservatives and celebrities we like.

PC: Pornography-Consuming device. A machine containing silicon chips that is designed to turn our children into deviants. Scientific research has shown that within 15 seconds of exposure to a PC some 99.98% of teenagers develop an addiction to BangBus and Abbey Winters videos. Either that or they go on Facebook - which is just as bad. See also Internet, Facebook, Computer Games, Twitter, MySpace.

PC Brigade, The: Imaginary army of Guardian-reading Islington-living lefties, enforcing said things we don't like.

PC-Loonie: A person who thinks that paki' and golliwog' are offensive terms; when clearly they are a: the same as calling someone from Britain a Brit' and b: a cuddly, affectionate term for a childhood doll. PC-loonies are largely assumed to be working for the BBC.

Phillips, Melanie: Journalist (of sorts) who has made a good living writing exactly the same article (but changing around a few words) every couple of days for the past decade (see also: Richard Littlejohn, Jonathan Cainer). Believes conspiracy theories are nonsense apart from the true one where the evil Muslim empire is going to team up with gays and social workers to take over Britain and enslave its inhabitants.

Pinochet: Benevolent, honest, upstanding former leader or Chile. A Totally misunderstood character.

Piracy: a) What Somalis do when they can't claim benefits in Britain. b) The act of downloading films from the Internet which costs 14,000,000 jobs in UK creative industries and funds Al-Quaeda. c) Supercool ships that would broadcast decent pop music in the 1960s thus breaking the monopoly of the leftist Beatles-loving BBC.

Platell, Amanda: A good immigrant kindly given a job by the editor of the Daily Mail. Despite being childless (the mark of a '[url=http://www.angrymob.u...