The Mother of Parliaments beyond decay...

[Paul Rigby]

And into the realm of crotch-rot...

I bear shocking news.

Forget the trivial - and tediously predictable - “revelations” in the Torygraph concerning our heroic MPs and their amnesiac way with expense forms, it is to my own local weekly organ, the estimable Southport Champion, that we must turn for the most alarming disclosure yet.

For the benefit of those unfamiliar with the political hot-house that is Southport, I should explain that our constituency MP is called John Phew, an earnest bore sitting in the Liberal Democrat interest. Did I say “bore”? Bore no more. Read on:

“We tried to contact…Pugh on Monday morning to ask about his allowances and expenses. He was in Eastern Europe on a fact-finding trip as a member of the pubic accounts committee…”*

Needless to say, I sprang upon this incredible news – that parliament has a committee touring Europe in pursuit of hair from the hypogastric region, which I believe lies in the Carpathians – like a tightly trapped coil. The full, sordid fruits of my investigation will follow in due course, most likely in one of the adult strings to the Richard Desmond publishing bow.

*Martin Hovden, “I pay my wife £13,000 to work for me,” The Champion, Wednesday, 13 May 2009, p.3

[David Guyatt]

And into the realm of crotch-rot...

I bear shocking news.

Forget the trivial - and tediously predictable - “revelations” in the Torygraph concerning our heroic MPs and their amnesiac way with expense forms, it is to my own local weekly organ, the estimable Southport Champion, that we must turn for the most alarming disclosure yet.

For the benefit of those unfamiliar with the political hot-house that is Southport, I should explain that our constituency MP is called John Phew, an earnest bore sitting in the Liberal Democrat interest. Did I say “bore”? Bore no more. Read on:

“We tried to contact…Pugh on Monday morning to ask about his allowances and expenses. He was in Eastern Europe on a fact-finding trip as a member of the pubic accounts committee…”*

Needless to say, I sprang upon this incredible news – that parliament has a committee touring Europe in pursuit of hair from the hypogastric region, which I believe lies in the Carpathians – like a tightly trapped coil. The full, sordid fruits of my investigation will follow in due course, most likely in one of the adult strings to the Richard Desmond publishing bow.

*Martin Hovden, “I pay my wife £13,000 to work for me,” The Champion, Wednesday, 13 May 2009, p.3

Is he any relation to "Blind Pew" in the hilarious Pythonesque film Yellowbeard?



Note the haircut. Obviously this is a wig. But what sort of wig I ask?

Meanwhile, is the Carpathian hair caper related in any way to the search for the fabled, long lost Merkin wig once worn by Bush? (ain't puns fun).